Tag Archives: the truth of it

The truth of it is …

 

You may have noticed I am not keeping to my blogging schedule very well of late. I have been trying to dig in and get to it, but it’s just not happening as easily.

The truth of it is …

I am getting more and more pulled down,

feeling as if I’m shutting down,

withdrawing,

while at the same time I am trying to keep going.

So very tired.

I feel joyless .. although my joy comes from – and is – HIM (the Lord), I feel joyless ..

as if the music has left me (I rarely sing and I used to sing or hum aloud or in my head almost all the time)

and the light has turned to shadow.

I feel trapped and closed off and … emptying,

being drained of my spark.

My life is looking gray again … and that hasn’t been for a very long time.

I miss laughter …

real, deep-down, belly-aching laughter …

that comes from delight,

joy,

happiness,

heart songs

and all that is beautiful.

So, the truth of it is, I am depressed. (The fact that I had a birthday Sunday had nothing to do with it, either.)

And yes, I know I mentioned it before, but this is not just going away and has instead been increasing. Even so, I have tried to not let it show and therefore most people likely wouldn’t realize it.

The positive thing is I am getting help from my naturopath and reflexologist. I am not going under, and they will help see to it that I don’t. If I find it too hard to manage until my next scheduled appointment I am to let them know. And I will. There is no way I am going back into the dark, tormented depths of despair I experienced several years ago. It’s been an uphill struggle sometimes to not fall back there, but I have come through and I will again. 

Why am I telling you this? Because I want you to know I am trying. I am reading when I can get myself to do so, and right now I actually have two books on the go. I’m also still plodding along with PiBoIdMo, coming up with ideas for stories for picture books. Our challenge is to think up 30 ideas, one a day for all of November, but today (day 17) I added idea #24 to my list. So, you see, I am trying to keep my brain working through the sometimes foggy days, and the low mental energy, the fatigue, the sadness, the feelings of wanting to retreat into my hidey-hole/safe place.

It’s discouraging to not be able to do all I want to do, all I have committed to do, all I feel I should be doing. Add that into the struggle and it becomes even more difficult to pull out of it, so I’m having to remind myself to not listen to every negative thought.

This won’t last forever, thankfully.

In the meantime, I thank you for your patience and understanding.

With what do you struggle in your daily life? What do you tell yourself to keep positive?

Thanks for reading, and … Creative Musings! 🙂