The truth of it is …

 

You may have noticed I am not keeping to my blogging schedule very well of late. I have been trying to dig in and get to it, but it’s just not happening as easily.

The truth of it is …

I am getting more and more pulled down,

feeling as if I’m shutting down,

withdrawing,

while at the same time I am trying to keep going.

So very tired.

I feel joyless .. although my joy comes from – and is – HIM (the Lord), I feel joyless ..

as if the music has left me (I rarely sing and I used to sing or hum aloud or in my head almost all the time)

and the light has turned to shadow.

I feel trapped and closed off and … emptying,

being drained of my spark.

My life is looking gray again … and that hasn’t been for a very long time.

I miss laughter …

real, deep-down, belly-aching laughter …

that comes from delight,

joy,

happiness,

heart songs

and all that is beautiful.

So, the truth of it is, I am depressed. (The fact that I had a birthday Sunday had nothing to do with it, either.)

And yes, I know I mentioned it before, but this is not just going away and has instead been increasing. Even so, I have tried to not let it show and therefore most people likely wouldn’t realize it.

The positive thing is I am getting help from my naturopath and reflexologist. I am not going under, and they will help see to it that I don’t. If I find it too hard to manage until my next scheduled appointment I am to let them know. And I will. There is no way I am going back into the dark, tormented depths of despair I experienced several years ago. It’s been an uphill struggle sometimes to not fall back there, but I have come through and I will again. 

Why am I telling you this? Because I want you to know I am trying. I am reading when I can get myself to do so, and right now I actually have two books on the go. I’m also still plodding along with PiBoIdMo, coming up with ideas for stories for picture books. Our challenge is to think up 30 ideas, one a day for all of November, but today (day 17) I added idea #24 to my list. So, you see, I am trying to keep my brain working through the sometimes foggy days, and the low mental energy, the fatigue, the sadness, the feelings of wanting to retreat into my hidey-hole/safe place.

It’s discouraging to not be able to do all I want to do, all I have committed to do, all I feel I should be doing. Add that into the struggle and it becomes even more difficult to pull out of it, so I’m having to remind myself to not listen to every negative thought.

This won’t last forever, thankfully.

In the meantime, I thank you for your patience and understanding.

With what do you struggle in your daily life? What do you tell yourself to keep positive?

Thanks for reading, and … Creative Musings! 🙂

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18 responses to “The truth of it is …

  1. So sorry to hear what you are going through right now. I’m glad you are getting the support and care that you need. I’ve been down your road a couple of times, and I wish I had a magic answer to make it all go away. It just hurts, and, yes, it is exhausting. You will come through it to the other side. Be patient with yourself. Give yourself time to heal and forgive the setbacks. You’d do the same for someone else. Remember to do it for you, too.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you, Heather, for your words of wisdom. I appreciate your understanding as I make my way through to the other side of this. “Be patient with yourself.” That’s a hard one for me, but thanks for the needed reminder. Blessings.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so sorry the despair is hitting Lynn. It’s not a great companion is it. What works for one may not work for another but my way of keeping ahead of that these days is my interaction with my favourite funny blogs online and talking to my friends online. I can’t manage meeting face to face even at my own front door but spreading the love online is great.
    There are any number of sites where people have suffered/are suffering the same as you and some may have valuable things to share but one thing to remember is that you share so much on your own blog and remembering how much pleasure you bring may just put a little joy back in your day.
    xxx Sending Healing Hugs xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s terrible, isn’t it, David, that so many of us suffer from depression. Thank you for your encouragement as you work your way through it as well.
      I’m glad you keep sharing your humour and that you have the Internet through which you connect with friends.
      We will survive this yet again.
      Many thanks for the hugs. ((((David)))) <– hugs for you

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  3. Thanks for sharing this with us. Remember you are just one person and can´t do it all. Give yourself time to get through this. You will get through it and it helps to talk about it. Glad to hear you are still reading and writing. Sending hugs. XO

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  4. I don’t have a lot wisdom to give you, Lynn. But please know that I love you and I love being your friend. You have a huge load on your shoulders. As others have said, be kind to YOU. Prayers for you each day, my friend.

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  5. Lynn, I’m sorry you’re in this space but I’m glad you have good friends and some healthcare support. I agree with the “be gentle with yourself” comment. Choose your battles, too. Give the exertion you need to get into healthier space, but don’t push yourself to keep a blogging schedule just because it’s there. I’m praying for wisdom in how to best use what oomph you have, for recovery and healing at every level, and for a deep certainty in your spirit that this will pass. I self-medicate with praise music, and a song I heard this morning that helps me is David Crowder’s “Shadows” — you can likely find it on YouTube.

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    • Thank you so much, Janet, for your words of encouragement and your prayers. I did listen to the song you mentioned, and will listen again. thank you.
      Blessings.

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  6. Lynn, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. You may not know it, but depression is part of the caregiver life, eventually. Here’s what I recently wrote about it on my blog: http://caringforaveteran.wordpress.com/2014/10/29/anxiety-depression-secondary-ptsd/

    I hope you find solace and peace soon! ❤

    Jamie Dement (LadyJai)
    Caring for My Veteran

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    • Yes, Jamie, I do know that. I’d already read that blog post you linked to, and the list you gave there … I have/had over half of the symptoms on it. I’ve learned to ask for help before it gets way out of control.
      Thank you for your caring heart.

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  7. There will be enough grace to sustain you each day, Lynn. Praying!

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  8. It’s a old habit of the devil; just when we think we are past his trials and temptations, getting comfortable, (and letting down our guard/armor) he shows up and tries to sneak them in on us all over again. Speak and stand fast on these Words of encouragement and success.
    Isa 61: 3 ” ~ put on the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.”:
    Psalm 69 esp vs 29-36;
    Phil : 4-9 esp 8 & 9
    Bless you and yours, Lynn

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  9. There isn’t much I can do to help you, except for sending prayers to you everyday. And tell corny jokes (laughter is the best medicine).
    What do you call a cow without legs? Ground beef.
    What happened when the frog parked illegally? He was toad.
    Why did the stadium get hot after the game? All of the fans left.
    Why did the poor man sell yeast? To raise some dough.
    That should be enough. For now. 😉
    Happy Belted Birthday! 😀

    Like

I look forward to reading your greatly appreciated comments. Thanks for making my day! :)

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